Guest Column: Southwest Beater Analysis


Credit: Nelson’s Camera

Editor’s Note: The below article was The Eighth Man’s 2018 April Fools’s joke.

USQ has finalized a deal with Texas State University to live stream the collegiate semifinals and finals of US Quidditch Cup 11, according to a source within USQ.

A key portion of the deal is an agreement to not stream any games that include Texas State, including a possible semifinal and final.

“A lack of film is a key part of Texas State Quidditch culture,” said Craig Garrison, whose team affiliation is unknown at time of posting. “The less evidence of players leaving and rejoining Texas State upon ‘taking more classes,’ the better.”

USQ remains confident that, despite the drawbacks, Texas State’s offer was the best one on the table.

“There are many factors to consider when examining a bid, from cost to availability to ensuring it is based out of a southern state,” said USQ Events Director Mary Kimball from under the rain clouds that now follow around all members of USQ management anywhere they go. “Sure, ESPN is a strong streaming option, but do you know how far north Bristol, Conn. is?”

The bid was particularly strong as it was offered at no cost to USQ after the Bobcats lost a wager with USQ a month prior.

“I thought it was just a slap bet, I didn’t even know there were other types of bets,” said Texas State President Jenna Bollweg, who we reached for interview by using her hair to climb up the side of a tower. “And what even was the over/under on the Gambits not finishing top two at the West Regional Championship.”

Despite the quality of the bid, many members of the community expressed dissatisfaction with the contingency that would prevent a Texas State semifinal or final from being aired.

“I just don’t understand how you can still be so defensive of your own program’s film, while outwardly proclaiming your belief that live-streaming ‘enhances the sport in a multitude of ways,’” said Jon Quattlebaum of University of Missouri. “It shows that the petty strategic advantage of restricting access to film is more important than broadcasting top level collegiate quidditch to the world. You know as well as anybody that it isn’t low level games that draw teams in, but high level, high intensity quidditch. But I’m all ears. If there is some reason to hide Texas State from being showcased to the world that is more important than potentially showcasing the single biggest collegiate matchup, please, let myself and the world know.”

Expressing concerns about keeping up with USQ’s streaming quality, IQA also intends to announce today an increase in World Cup team fees in order to improve the quality of their own livestream. The increase is expected to be approximately 5,000 Euros per team.

We attempted to reach the IQA Executive Board for comment, but they were busy arranging free World Cup travel for their trustees and could not be bothered talking to an entity that was not a National Governing Board, directing us instead to the World Cup organizing staff.

“We believe the added fees should be reasonable for our competing teams to handle, even if we released them far too close to the event day with no warning,”said IQA World Cup Tournament Director Tegan Bridge. “And besides, if more developing countries have to drop out of their one chance at international competition every two years, it just means less fundraisers to compete with Team Uganda’s and less teams continuing to keep Canada off the podium even though we have been playing the sport longer than anyone besides Middlebury.”

John Ssentamu of Quidditch Uganda could not be reached for comment, though sources report seeing him counting money while lounging in a massive pile of 2016 Team Uganda jerseys. Jack Lennard of the Quidditch Premier League could be reached for comment, but after reading the transcript of his response, we thought we were better off not printing it.







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