Guest Column: Southwest Beater Analysis


Credit: Vanessa Goh

Credit: Vanessa Goh

In case you hadn’t heard, “quidkids” are the absolute worst, especially when it comes to ridiculous vernacular. With 2014 coming to a close, it’s time to start a new Eighth Man tradition, which we in no way shape or form “poached” from TIME Magazine: Which Word Should Be Banned in 2015? Check out the candidates below.

Quidkid – Any and all qu-words need to be banned, but “quidkid” is the biggest offender (“quove” has finally disappeared, praise be to Yevon).  Quidkid is only acceptable to refer to a child born of two quidditch players—the demon seed incarnate. It is not acceptable to refer to someone who gets 10% off at the grocery store on Tuesdays for flashing their AARP card as a quidkid. I will only accept quidkid as a legitimate term for athletes when I hear Tom Brady utter the words “I love spending time with my fellow footkids at the bar after the game!”  See how ridiculous that sounds? That’s what you all sound like.

Poaching – I mean, I really just don’t understand where this comes from. What does how you cook your eggs have to do with players switching quidditch teams?

Credit: Lone Star Quidditch

Credit: Lone Star Quidditch

Defensive Beater – First off, I’m well aware this is two words, now, moving forward… This is what we in the biz call a “euphemism.” For those who don’t know what I’m referencing here, go to any fantasy tournament’s sign-up Google Doc where they list out all the player bios/strengths/weaknesses/phone numbers/likelihood to leave the Snow Ball pregnant. You will see it all over the place: “I’m a defensive beater.” What that player is really saying is, “You can rest assured that I will never, ever leave my own keeper zone, even if Hugh Jackman was lying naked at midfield with the third bludger covering his Wolverine.” Honesty is the best policy, people.

Elite – Alright, everyone, let’s talk semantics here for a second. My Macbook Pro’s dictionary defines “elite” as “…people considered to be the best in a particular society or category…” Now, here’s the quidditch community’s definition of elite: A player who scored a goal in a game against a decent team that one time. Still unclear? Let’s do this in Friday Night Lights terms.
Jason Street: Elite
Smash Williams: Elite
Tim Riggins: A god amongst men
Matt Saracen: Above average
Landry Clarke: Did that thing in that game that one time
Let’s stop acting like the Saracens and Landrys of the quidditch world are in the same class as the Streets and Riggins… Rigginses?

Credit: Google

Credit: Google

Tier – Quidditch players love to argue about “tiers.” They also, for whatever reason, love shedding tears over which tier they think their team belongs. Seriously, are there any more pointless arguments in quidditch than those fiery debates over whether the Crapolina State Jabronis belong in the fourth or fifth “tier” of the Midwest? Spoiler alert: Nobody cares.

Tufflepuff – T is for the T in Tufts! The “Tufflepuff” is, bar none, the worst mascot in all of quidditch. Wait, that was harsh. They probably have some competition from the Nibbling Nargles. However, the Nargles at least have that whole “nobody really knows what a Nargle looks like” thing going for them. For all we know, they could be repping Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Predator,” a fell beast or Arnold Schwarzenegger riding a fell beast. Anyway, Tufts University has two ways to salvage their image: use an ironic Hufflepuff logo—like an Instagram filtered picture of dead Diggory—or, my personal favorite, change their name to “The Fightin’ Sturms.”

Credit: Tufts Quidditch

Credit: Tufts Quidditch

There you have it. Those are the words we believe should be banned in 2015. But, I’m not into putting in the effort to ensure all six are excluded from your everyday vernacular—that’s Jason Winn’s job now—so let us know which one is a must ban in the below poll.

 







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